I want to write about love. I want to write about eros in the life force. Today, I want to write about you.
Freedom from writing about important things brings me to write about what’s important to me. I imagined listening to your song on the way to Vergennes and writing in one of Vermont’s infamous little elitist yuppie cafes. But it’s kind of a far drive. But then out of 2,008 liked songs, yours came on! A sign! Anyway, I’m writing about you. I’ll go to Vergennes later.
I think the first time, I saved your life. This last time, you saved mine. Good thing I’m not a healer so I can say shit like that. Maybe I’ll just leave this whole concept of entanglement aside and let my life force guide me in and out of entanglement. No rules, regulations, procedures or principles. Just following the life force, surely better and better as I go.
When we were making love in the shower the first time, I said, “I’m sorry about your mother.” You started weeping and asked how did I know? I said, I feel you. My psychic sensibilities ever on the rise!
I hate making love in the shower. It feels like a performative porno. Later, you’d ask me to move my body “like this.” I’d reply, “No, you move yours like this.” Fai così. No, tu fai così. 7 years later, with barely a contact between, we had the same exchange. I said no the second time to the shower scene. But then I relented again because I like to please you. You were giving me a lot, too. “I can’t go again.” “Yes, you can, you need more.”
You said I looked the same, felt the same and smelled the same! That was great to hear, even if it was a lie. You’re pretty mercurial like me. That’s what it takes to go in between. A dozen people had died in between our times together and I had just barely recovered from years of chronic pain.
I asked you to sing to me again like last time. Like last time, you choked on your words and then sang me my favorite one, remembering which one it was. Like last time, I kissed your calloused hands.
Like last time, your kisses were so sloppy. Consumptive, really!
Ah who am I kidding, you saved my life both times. A greater healer than me.