A participant said this in a recent constellation workshop.
There’s a lot in this statement. It’s no small thing to get from one to the other.
The left and the right. The North and the South. The spiritual and the psychological. The psychodynamic and the cognitive behavioral. The avoidant and the anxious. The neglected and the abused. The enmeshed and the lonely. The angry and the sad. The corporate and the blue collar. The too high and the too low. The zealous and the immobile.
Regardless, the vector of shame to grief to movement unites us all. When we feel stuck and unable to move or move erratically in circles, there is sometimes shame wanting space to transmute into grief. When held in a collective field of curiosity and respect, beyond duality and dyad, we can often more easily be with what needs to be seen and witnessed. We can find more capacity to somatically acknowledge what is. The “what is” can sometimes be what was or what has happened but is “what is” because its effect is still here now.
In a different way, if we do not fully receive, account and celebrate (integrate) where we are now, how far we’ve come, what we’ve gathered, sometimes this thwarts movement as well. A group with a field consciousness, can give permission to take full ownership of our resources, successes, and gifts.
Sometimes shame is about what we’ve done. Sometimes it’s about what we’ve let be done to us. Sometimes it’s survivor shame or bystander shame. Sometimes it’s about being complicit in systemic oppression. Sometimes it’s about not contributing to what feels our fullest. Sometimes it’s long-term procrastination on our most authentic expression.
When we bring spacious presence to narrative content, we might find relief beyond terror, clinging and escaping. Spacious presence allows what’s on loop in us to slow down to a manageable piece or image, distilled into the elemental and be seen, accepted and integrated.
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How do we build this spacious presence?
We practice non-judgement of others and compassion for ourselves. We explore within where we are judging others. “They’re a mess.” “They’re insensitive.” Where am I a mess? Insensitive? We remember where they’re at. “They’re new at this.” “They’re only 23.” “They’ve suffered severe discrimination and marginalization.” We can use our projections as prompts for making art, exploring a moment where we were that too or portraying where and how we see it in the collective. We can also own our choices and emotions. If we’re sick and tired of being used and abused, we can jam out to cathartic music or write a passionate slam poetry piece. If we can’t stand everyone on their cell phones everywhere and always, we can write a snarky public service announcement.
When we cause harm in a relationship, we can remember that being a human in love and relationship inevitably involves making mistakes. If we have the courage to own the mistakes, the injury can become a source of mutual healing and freedom. We can still discern when someone’s behavior towards us or values in the world are not a good fit for us. We can still hold ourselves to a serious standard of growing capacity for both loving others and being with more life to build and sustain our contribution.
An effective parent takes a lot of responsibility for their child’s behavior. They respect their stage of development. They remember that a toddler’s constant “No.” is them learning their boundaries and developing the ego required to survive. They remember that their teenager’s brain isn’t fully formed until it’s in its mid 20s. If not developmental, effective parents recognize that the child might be acting out something unconscious in the family system or lineage. They look within themselves and in the family and societal environment to what could be contributing to the behavior, as opposed to reacting and blaming the child. Sometimes one member of a family or system will hold more than their fair share of the anger, sadness, anxiety or disgust.
The more we practice non-judgment of others and compassion for ourselves, the more we embody the spaciousness where transmutation can occur. And then our profession, modality or role is always secondary and iterative. First, we are humans practicing love and kindness. Second, we are whatever we’re up to that day. First, we are the space, and second, we hold space for something to occur. First, we are the canvas and then we are the paint. First we are safe and then we facilitate a safe space. First we are the blank page and then the author who writes upon it.
The micro and macro. The dirt and water. The vapor and tinder. The soul-centric middle.