Shame of the victim.
Shame of the perpetrator.
Shame of the enabler.
We enact these roles to varying degrees as we’re swept up in various systems of oppression in different places and contexts.
Victim of child abuse
Perpetrator of gender violence
Enabler of colonizing empire
Shame is human. Emotional maturity includes capacity to feel shame. Composted shame expands what we are able to confront and contain. When our roles as victim, perpetrator and enabler are illuminated, we can practice sitting wider on our sit bones. More practice, less flight, fight and freeze response when shit gets realer and realer.
I’ve known I live at the seat of exploitative empire and now I know more deeply. I’ve known that I’m intimately entangled in christian and white western supremacy and now I know more deeply. I’ve known the media is often corrupt propaganda and now I know more deeply. I’ve known that staying close to the Black radical tradition supports mental clarity and now I know more deeply. I’ve known I must stay cautious of aligning with milquetoast white liberalism and now I know more deeply. I’ve known Land Back is central to collective liberation and now I know more deeply.
We heal or even new-age-style-expand! to widen capacity to be more and more with startlingly reality. The realities of racial capitalism bring us deeper into the legacies of our family system. The legacies of our family system bring us deeper into systemic understanding. Disruption and discomfort are part of change and growth.
With practice, we know when and how we can engage and when we’re spiraling into nervous system burnout. We learn from our mistakes and failures here. We know how to refuel and resource. We know where and how we tend to make errors.
It’d be nice if our cultural soma around spirituality and pleasure wasn’t so toxic because those are part of how we develop capacity to feel tough things and eventually do it differently. It’d be nice if we all had equal access to the tools that are available.
Stop shaming people they say. What if people need to feel some repressed feelings like shame? What if feeling shame is part of feeling more authentically some of the more popular emotions? What if we can playfully release shame instead of shame ourselves for feeling shame? What if our failure to properly feel shame is part of the trance of performative white liberalism? What if a perpetrator’s refusal to feel shame is what keeps the cycle activated and perpetuating? What if a victim’s refusal to feel shame keeps them stuck there instead of telling the perpetrator to shut up and fuck off? What if the narcissism of the enabler prevents them from realizing their essential role?