We don’t heal ourselves and our families and then simply go on with our own aims for growth. No. If the motivation and context for reconciliation in our family system isn’t to then apply it to larger systems, it’s not likely to complete. It’s not likely to complete because there isn’t enough weight to our endeavor without the larger human family system in mind. Having a motivation outside ourselves and our own family system is what keeps us humble. We realize that the work won’t be done in this lifetime. People were working for international peace before our time and will continue what we worked towards after we die. If we don’t have that frame of reference, we’re being insular.
We don’t do family constellations to change family members or get them to see us. We do family constellations to change ourselves and see ourselves. From there, we might take new inspired action and reconciliatory movements of our family soul’s might occur.
We heal in order to have more capacity for ourselves, our families and also, to confront systemic issues. We heal to have greater impact. We heal to discover and hone untapped talents gained from how we navigated our first system’s complexity. If we are focused on how wrong and bad the other out there is without seeing how we are that too, we have more work to do.
To change and see ourselves, we often need some or a lot of physical or emotional distance from our family system or members. We get enough distance from the system in order to do some work on the legacies and inheritances that we embody. The part that’s too selfish, too selfless. The part that’s too angry, too sad. The part that’s frozen, the part that’s impulsive. The pattern of pushing people away and the pattern of pulling people in too close. The parts and patterns need space to breathe, too. In family constellations, we gently find this right space and distance with the tenderizing power of compassionate witness.
Conflict often begins with notions of superiority and inferiority. If we read about war and despots in the news, we can reflect on our own imbalanced notions of superiority and inferiority within. We can learn to greet and include these parts with curiosity and tolerance. We can feel the rage. We can acknowledge the shame. We can include the pain. We can grieve the loss. We can build momentum towards reconciliation part by part.