Coach: “Hey Girl! What’s up! I wanted to tell you all about this thing that I thought would really help you! Here let me just clean the litter box real quick.” ::walks around wobbly on video::
Client: “Oh ok but I was actually hoping that..”
Coach: ::burps:: “Sorry, I just had this new vegan gluten-free sugar-free fat-free probiotic shake thing and it’s like super healing but also makes me gassy!”
Client: “It’s ok…um yah hoping we could…”
Coach: “Yah yah sure sure but let me just tell you…”
Client: ::contracts::
Coach: ::expands:: “So I did this new training and I wanted to gift you with a little mini session.“
Client: “Umm well what is it?”
Coach: “Just trust me, it will only take a minute.”
Client: “Can I just say that my mother isn’t doing well…”
Coach: “OMG! Shit! That’s fucking crazy yo! Must be the full moon. Anyway, I think this will help. I’m going off camera so I can really tap into universal source energy.”
Client: “Yah she’s in the hospital…”
Coach: ::yawns audibly:: “whew, I need a nap! Ok so imagine that you’re at the ocean and there is a big wave and it’s like very cleansing. Purifying your soul. And next, you see your destiny and it’s very sparkly….ok now breeeeeeeeeeeeathe…………now tell me what happened?”
Client: “I guess I saw myself going out to sea…alone…”
Coach: “Yah but what about your fuuuuuuture?”
Client: “I guess I don’t get it.”
Coach: “OK, this is probably a little too advanced for you. Anyway, did you do what you said you’d do last time?”
Client: “Well not really….”
Coach: “Ahh ok, why the resistance?”
Client: “I mean, my mom…"
Coach: “Yah that’s kind of therapy stuff but we can talk about anything else!”
Client: “Oh…….well I’m really not happy at work still.”
Coach: “Hmmmmm did you do the mindfulness stuff?”
Client: “Yah, it’s not really resonating for me that mindfulness stuff.”
Coach: “Well scientists say it really works. IT CAN CHANGE YOUR BRAIN! And one time on ayahuasca, I saw aliens!”
Client: “Hmm ok. I guess I can try it again.”
Coach: “I see your future! You’re going to get everything that you want and it’s very abundant and you can manifest everything! You create your own reality!”
Client: “Yah that’s what I keep seeing on Instagram.”
Coach: “Yah, I’ll send you 5 people you HAVE to follow.”
Client: “Do you have any therapist referrals?"
Coach: “Hmm not really but therapists sometimes just drag you down, man!”
Client: “But I thought you said…”
Coach: “Yah maybe find an EMDR person or a psychic instead. You have to think of what seeeeerves you best ya know?”
Client: “What’s EMDR?”
Coach: “Well it’s like this thing where the person is like asking you about your trauma and then like your brain changes.”
Client: “Have you done it?”
Coach: “No but my bestie swears by it and she's like so brilliant omg.”
Client: “Like neuroplasticity?”
Coach: “Well, kind of. It’s very advanced. It’s like Deepak Chopra stuff, I think.”
Client: “I thought he was...."
Coach: “So we only have 2min left and I wanted to invite you to level up to your next expansion by doing this new signature package where we can be in touch everyday and I will give you 10% off for being my favorite client!”
Client: “I don’t think I need that.”
Coach: “Well sit with it and ask your dreams to guide you to the right answer. Or maybe take some turkey tail supplements.”
Client: ::silence:: ”I need to go, my mom is calling.”
Coach: “Ok talk to you in two weeks, do your mindfulness and I’ll send you some more suggestions! PS - I might have to cancel our call because I think I’m going to Ibiza for this Live Life in the Now conference! Put me as a “favorite” on IG so you see the pics! Sir Baba Gam Reishi Maharugu will be there and like other Indian masters from India. Or maybe Pakistan. I forget. They're so channelled over there. Speaking of over there, you should totally go to Bali, by the way!”