So now you’re free.
You respond to “How are you?” With things like
“I’m busy. I’m tired. And that’s a good thing.”
Or
“Good, all things considered!”
Or
“I’m grateful and I’m struggling. All at once.”
Or
After accounting for all the joy and woe you decide you can honestly still say, “No complaints here!”
You can no longer complain beyond the normal human lamentation of grief, guilt, longing and ongoing broken-heartedness.
You pocket in the little joys way more preciously. “Wow, people are showing up for me!” The big joys leave you awe-struck for a couple of hours at least. “Oh my goodness, my godson is now dating!” Empowerments bring you more humility instead of “Ah-ha! It’s finally my turn!”
When your cup runneth over, you feel the urge to give back, first those who’ve been part of your success and then others seeding and watering the collective evolution. And others in need of a bit of your special brand of luck, skill and privilege. You know you can go faster alone but farther when you slow down to include the people and groups you care about.
You did some dark nights of the soul…and it got worse before it got better. You see now how you are all of that, too. Yikes! You broke down a couple times. You can be a little narcissist sometimes! Self-loathing! A little up and down…unbalanced even! You know a bit about your addictions, how you cope unhealthily. Maybe you were even lucky enough to get down to something reptilian, something ancient. A ghost, even! Some preverbal grief came up...your amygdala enlarged…you found your wrath and your wail. You remembered the first time you were up against the wall. Some deep trauma bubbled up to dislodge. Your contempt surfaced and you took it out on some poor innocent victim! They didn’t deserve that! But you both made it out alive. Maybe you apologized. Or maybe you didn’t, with good enough reason not to.
And you know there will be more fear and hunger. And you’re willing and able to protect your peace for just a minute as you stay on this plane of contribution. A plateau? Fabulous, thank Goddess.
You’re even ok with still being wrong or bad. Often even! And you don’t stay down there alone too long because you care about your community, you know, animistically!
So sticking the landing. First, do you have a place to land?
Let’s create it. Map it out, maybe.
Who are your people? Break out the glitter! Even if the webs are thin at the moment, where are you now? From where do you begin? With whom can’t you lie to? Do you have an old ride-or-die? Two? Lucky you! Who is just arriving knowing less about you, giving you space to be different? Those you haven’t had the audacity to be passive aggressive with yet!
Oh wait, first, back up, first came the people who came before you. Bring them in. Behind you. You’re part of a long line. Don’t forget it. You wouldn’t be here without them.
What philosophies hold you? Which ones have weight, depth and strength? You know, the ones bigger than you? And to which industry or institution did you say, “Thanks but no thanks!”
What music, art and healing modalities move you?
What values guide you?
What practices keep you grounded? You know, in your body.
Is there a mental practice too, an affirmation, morning pages or something?
What’s your vision of contribution? Which stage of development, which iteration are you at right now?
Any element, goddess, icon or other muse that you’re worshipping these days? Remember, someone/thing unattainable, never meet them!
Take a slow full breath to let everyone and everything fully in. Make a movement of inclusivity. Let out a sound. A tone. Vuuuuuuu. Create a drawing. Take pleasure in your width. How about that?
Now…held in all that…give space for the hurt, the pain, the suffering.
Oh what babe, bloke or thembot broke your heart?! What abuse and neglect did you experience? Whose heart did you break? Who did you yell at, hit, reject or leave?
Oof. Ouch. A big bear hug to you.
Now don’t linger there too too long. You don’t want to be dragged down into a pit of hell right now. You’ll be revisiting that as it comes.
Is there room for all of that and them too? Breathe out as you unfold your arms.
OK now.
What are your resources? Skills? What have you earned?
Good for you!
Now, what experience or relationship gave you some of your individuated freedom?
Who made you swoooooon like oh I want to be like that toooooo? Who reminded you that envy is a map?
Thank you.
And did someone show you a different way sometime? Did someone have enough that they gave you their extra? Did someone ever stay unmoved as you projected some unseen or unloved part onto them? Did anyone clown some of your silly myopia and in that cackle-back allow you to laugh at you, too? Maybe someone delivered you a nice clean blow, a cleansing and well-earned “Fuck You!” Did anyone give you a secret passageway? An adjustment or movement that diminished your chronic back pain?
Who was generous with you, kept seeing your resplendence with no help from you? Were you ever held, even once, when you had a bad dream?
Thank you.
Did someone let you support them? Received your gifts? Let you sharpen your stuff, improve them, appreciate and amplify them? Did their engagement with you increase your influence and impact?
Thank you.
Let this give you more space, freedom.
Can you hold just one of these miracles as a moving image, a movement, as if an ongoing mental martial arts practice? Feel it. From the width of your hips, your pelvis. Up your shoulders. Back down your legs. Your feet on the Earth. Feeling the sensation of aliveness course through your body and emanate being now.
With a grin on your face,
say to yourself.,
“Oh baby! Oh sugar! We’re well-held here. We’ve got some space to breathe here.”
You’re still. Warm. Awake. Aware.
You’re in the micro and macro all at once.
You’re in the hum of your own cosmic-Earthbound resonance.
Yum.